Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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