i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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