Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
