I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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