dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
