i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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