i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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