I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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