im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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