Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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