I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
