My nipple is on Facebook.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.