You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
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Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
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People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.