I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in