I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
