soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
