I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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