who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
