dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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