who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
