I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
