Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
