So drunk its hurt
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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