remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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