Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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