nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Terrible idea I love it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
