cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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