Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
