I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
