Im at strip club and am horny
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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