Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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