Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
