dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
