Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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