it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
