How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
