i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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