oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
