why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hippo gnu deer
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
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