the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
