It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i think my cat just said my name.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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