we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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