Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
