in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
