Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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