Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
