yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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