I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
