meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
