So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
