So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
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it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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