stop calling my apartment porn island.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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