i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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