after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
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Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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