ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
