mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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