Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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