And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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