Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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