Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
