I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
