I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
